Friday, August 24, 2012

DEATH BY ANNOYANCE There I was standing at the counter at the coffee shop waiting for my Chai Latte when this prissy blonde woman arrived at the counter. “Good morning, how are you today? She said to the big black assistant behind the counter. “I’m good Mam, thank you. How can I help you?” He replied then exposed all thirty-two of his teeth in a ridiculous smile. “What cakes do you have today?” She asked. He recited the range of available confectionary to the blonde-haired woman without paying me any heed. “...and Death by Chocolate.” He concluded with a smile. “Ooh Death by Chocolate, my favourite, ooh goodie.” She clapped her hands like butterfly wings and giggled. “I’ll have a slice of that thank you.” The assistant proceeded to assemble a box for the woman’s cake as she continued to chant gleefully, “Death by Chocolate, Death by Chocolate.” “Oh please God, make her shut up.” I whispered through gritted teeth assuming no one would hear. “Sorry, did you say something. “ She suddenly asked. “What? Me? No.” I lied and offered a smile for reinforcement. “No, I think you said I must shut up.” She glared at me for a while in disgust then turned her head back to the confectionary bar to observe as the assistant sliced the cake. “Rude little man she whispered audibly.” “Sorry, did you say something. “ I asked. “What? Me? No.” She said followed by a snarl. The assistant wrung up her purchase and gave her, her change. “Enjoy” “I will,” she said, “I love Death by Chocolate. “Yes we know I interjected, I’m just grateful you got your cake and can leave and spare us a Death by annoyance.” She looked at me, a fury blazing in her eyes then turned back to the bar. “Maybe I’ll have another slice of Death… by…Choc-o-late.” She said dragging her words to annoy me. “And I will have a cup of cappuccino as well, thank you.” “Sorry, but how much longer do I have to wait for my latte?” I asked, not attempting to hide my irritation. I received my order and proceeded to leave the coffee shop. “Good riddance, run along little man.” The petit woman commented as she took her seat. I told myself to carry on, ignore the woman and just leave but rebelliously my body moved towards her and pulled out the chair opposite her. I found myself sitting with a beautiful yet strange woman who did not look too impressed at my joining her. “What do you want now, please go. You sourness is making my cappuccino curdle.” She said as I made myself comfortable. “You Mam, are rude and annoying.” I replied. “The name is Julie and you mister are obviously not getting enough.” “I beg your Pardon!” “Beg away but you will get nothing from me.” “The name is Frank by the way and how dare you assume to know about my personal life, Julie?” “Well you obviously have issues Frank. Why else would you be so glum and caustic. A lack of sex was just my first assumption. Or maybe you are a closeted homosexual, is that why you are not getting any?” My jaw unhinged and remained dangling. Here was a woman I just met. An annoying, girly, giggly woman who went as far as analysing my sex life all because of one stupid comment which I whispered a little too loudly. “Who the hell…” “Death by annoyance indeed. I am surprised you haven’t died from stress the way you are going. You do realise that they lied when the said it will make you blind.” She smirked as she jerked her fist in the air. I had nothing to say. Her lack of decorum left me dumbfounded. She took a piece of cake in her mouth, and as she chewed I thought it was safe for me to retaliate but as I began she raised one hand to stop me as she waved her fork around. “What now, I don’t understand waving utensil. I was told it is a rare language that no sane individual would ever have to use.” I said. “Seriously, why are you so grumpy anyway?” she asked. “What, sexually frustrated doesn’t fill your psychological analysis of me anymore?” “So you are sexually, frustrated?” “No, that’s not what I am saying.” “You woman are so frustrating!” “So then, you’re gay.” At this statement, everyone in the coffee shop turned to stare at me. I buried my head in my hands and kneaded my forehead with the tips of my fingers. “What is wrong with you?” I growled. “I am not the one with the problem, you are the one in denial and frustrated because of it.” She stared at me her eyebrows raised as she took in another piece of cake. “Look, Julie. I apologise for being rude earlier okay, I’m sorry. It’s just that I woke up with a headache this morning and I just wanted a cup of Chai Latte before I had to go to work. Your incessant clapping and chirping coupled with the time it took to get my order did not help they way I felt. I am not gay and as far as my sex life goes, that is none of your business. Thank you for your concern anyway.” I picked up a fork that was sitting on her box of cake and dug into the slice from which she ate. She obviously had no problem with it, because she said nothing. “Apology accepted, so why are you so rude and grumpy? Oh and I’m sorry too, for all the assumptions made. I just hate rude people, especially when they dampen my good day.” We spent hours at the coffee shop. We both called in sick for work. We left the coffee shop and walked to the park where we stayed until sunset. I discovered that she was actually a psychologist. She happened to be single. She loved art, appreciated good design, and found the fact that I am a Graphic designer highly exciting. When we returned to the mall, that housed the coffee shop, we strolled around together window-shopping and imagined each other in garments we saw on display. Eventually we got to the car park and I escorted Julie to her car. “I am glad I was rude.” I said. She smiled, “Why is that?” “If I was polite we never would have argued and today would have been like any other boring day.” “Okay Frank, so what as so wonderful about today.” “Today, I met a rude, giggly, girl of a woman, who is terribly beautiful and who I think has stolen my heart.” “She blushed. “Terribly beautiful am I? You’re not that bad to look at either Frank. The jury is still out on the little part though.” We both laughed and exchanged naughty looks at each other. “Oh for God’s sake Frank stop being so bloody coy and kiss me before I die from annoyance.”

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