Wednesday, May 25, 2011

My Shadow

I walk away. The residual blood drips onto the floor. The sound echoes through the empty hallway. I strip as a walk to the bathroom. I hold the knife till I step into the shower. I masturbate as the water dilutes the blood on my hands and washes it to a pool at my feet. Showers have a way of clearing the mind. The steam opens the lungs, opens the pores and has the ability to make every muscle in your body come alive.
I wipe myself down on my way to the kitchen. I usually don’t drink red wine unless I am entertaining guests but the Pinotage seems to go well with the blood seeping into the sheepskin rug. I empty the bottle, put on some clothes and leave for a walk on the beach. It is a glorious, peaceful day.
I don’t stay on the beach. I am not in the mood to drive there either. I walk for a good solid hour from my home in the city centre to the beach. The lives of strangers seem fascinating, every person playing their role. Smiles, tears, faith, anger, desperation, all etched on the faces I pass. A destitute woman comes up to me begging. I notice a little child no more than two sitting by a street pole. I am tempted to ask, “Will you blow me for fifty bucks?”
Instead I look at her kid and offer her my wallet. She looks confused. I carry on walking. I hear her mumbling something about me being cruel and mocking her. My outstretched arm holds the wallet behind me for a while before I let it drop to the floor. The thought of being able to help the poor helpless kid makes me happy. The child’s parents however should be killed. Why bring life into this world when all you can gift it is misery and hardship?
The sand looks soft, golden and inviting. I remove my leather slip-ons, pull of my socks and allow my feet to sink into the grains. The salt of the sea fills my nostrils. Whispers of the sea-spray beckon me to venture closer, to embrace the blue expanse.
As wet manifests upon my clothes I realise that I am dressed in a three piece suit. I wade deeper into the sea. My face is wet. It is not the sea but my own tears. I cry yet am unaware of the act. I stand there surrounded by water, pouring water out from within, washing myself, cleansing myself inside and out. I am in a state of ecstasy. I feel free. This will be over soon. Like any bad dream I will wake soon and sigh with relief at the unreality of it all and make love to my wife to connect to reality.
I shut my eyes, hoping that when I opened them again I will be home in bed, my family around me. After countless contractions of my eyelids it dawned upon me, “from this nightmare there is no peace in being awake”. I sink to my knees. The waves push my head under water. My body lacks the will to fight it. Why am I alive? It will not be long before the questions begin. Who killed them? What was the motive? Why was I left alive? Did I kill my family? Was anything taken? Why did I not contact the police and the paramedics?
Will people understand? Will they accept my answers? Will they believe me when I tell them that by the time I got into my house my wife and kids were already dead? I walked into my bedroom to discover a pale corpse that resembled my wife, naked on the bed. Evidence of the abuse she endured visible on her soft skin. My kids were in their beds, like I leave them at nights after I tuck them in. When everything is lost what need is there to fight. The bullets and blood stains however made this image unique. Will people believe that I was stupid enough to pick up the discarded blade that lay on the floor beneath my wife’s slit throat and failed to sever the blood vessels beneath the skin of my wrists? Not there to protect them to weak to join them now. Will enquirers believe that I noticed nothing of the possessions in my house? That I still do not accept that it is real? This is a thriller which I am watching on my own in 3D. I ask myself these questions for I know that they will come, but the answers and the response to them is insignificant. I have lost everything in my life.
Vengeance is selfish and to what end? Hunt down the demons who ripped away my life, see them punished and then what mellow in the bitter emptiness that remains. When one removes all the joy - all the colour and intricate, merry decorations, all the love and details that give meaning, then what is left? In photography and art when everything is removed and replaced by black a silhouette is created. In life when the light is behind you and nothing but emptiness ahead, all that is visible is a dark shadow, my shadow. I have been robbed of all joy, love, colour, expression and emotion, my shadow is all that is left of my life.
My shadow is all I have been left with and with the setting of the sun it too shall leave me and if my prayer be answered it will not return tomorrow.
Hello People. It has been a while but I shall try to be more regular with my posts.
This is something I wrote that I quite enjoyed and decided to share.

A Night at the Mardi Gras
The bright masks and costumes, fireworks and fire-dancers, music and dance -
a whole celebration went on outside as Sophia kneeled before the altar.

“My Lord, our Saviour, I pray for them. Forgive them their ignorance.
They have closed their hearts and minds to the true meaning of this day.”

“And what would that be ... Sister?” Every word that was voiced reverberated
with a sinister tone.

The blind nun turned her head from side to side so as to determine where the
voice came from. She stood grasping her rosary in her white-knuckled hands.

“I am sorry brother but how did you get in?”

“Through the front door Sister, like everyone else wishing to kneel before the
Lord.” The voice was closer now and Sophie felt the hair on her skin stand on
ends. “But the outer gates were locked. I am the only person with a key to the gate.”

Sophie tried to remain calm still moving her head from side to side to gauge the
position of her unexpected and unwelcomed guest. Her blindness handicapping her
she stood pinned before the altar.

“Ah Sister, you are a lady of the cloth, you know that there are things that
defy logic and science and just happen. Miracles, is that not what you call

The intruding man stood behind Sophie. His breath warm against her ear as he
whispered. Sophie’s heartbeat quickened and for the first time in her Forty-one years she
knew what it meant to be sexually aroused.

“Stop this! Who are you and what do you want here? And how did you get
in?” Sophie battled with the words, her body and mind in conflict with each

“Don’t be afraid Sophie I am not here to harm you. But rather for love.”

“I love only one man Sir and that is my Lord Jesus Christ.”

“My dear Sister I am afraid you are confused. I am not here to love you but
rather to love him.”

“That still does not explain who you are and what you are doing here?”

“Oh Sister. You are more than familiar with me. You have invoked my name as
blame for all that you and your kind do that is evil. Though many don’t
understand I was his greatest gift to you.” The man’s voice echoed in the large
church. Even in the echo an immense sorrow could be heard. “I was sacrificed
for you.”

Sophie stared blindly in the direction of the voice. “Who are you? Who do you
love, what sacrifices?”

“Please Sister I frightened you at first and for that I am sorry, old habits die
hard. I have played the role so long that I often forget to get out of character.
I am sorry for disturbing your prayer on this night of feasting but I wish to
sing for my Lord.”

“Brother it is late but seeing as you are already here and feel so strongly
about this I cannot object.”

The man began to sing and though she knew not the language he used Sophie was
moved to tears. Her every molecule seemed to rejoice in the beauty of the song
and her blind eyes beheld a magnificent light. The earth began to shake and
torrents of rain accompanied lightning and thunder and the rest of the world
fell dead silent.

With the end of the singing a definite longing was heard in the voice of the
singer and then all else was normal .

“Thank you.”

“Brother you are gifted, the Lord has blessed you immensely.” Sophie spoke to
the emptiness around her. Brother please tell me who are you?”

“I am your crutch, your scape goat, the magnetic north of all pointed fingers. I
was his favourite, I was his sacrifice I am the first of the Fallen, I was once
his musician but you have called me Devil, The Dark prince. You have called me
Lucifer. I am everything that you call evil. “

Sophie was horrified and raised the crucifix of her rosary as if to hold the
devil at bay.”How dare you enter the house of God you vile creature? “

“Come Sister there is no need for abuse. I am just here to honour my Lord.”

“How dare you..” Sophie was stopped by a finger on her lips.
“The stories that have been told to you are lies. I did not fall from Grace, I
never challenged the Father. I never lost his favour. I was chosen. For the
Lord knew, even when he created you, that you needed me more than you do him and
though few will admit it I am an important part of your lives. Without me who
would humanity blame for every cruel and evil deed done. I am the fall guy and
every instant I suffer in His name for your benefit.”

“Away with you Devil! You are not welcome here! You are the Prince of lies. A
cruel and evil manipulator.” Sophie moved to the holy water that stood on the
nearby dais.Her movement brought laughter to the Dark Prince.

“Please Sister, I pray, shower me with the blessed water of the Lord. I welcome such anointment
for then maybe you will believe me.”

Sophie stopped dead in her tracks, her mind ridddled with doubt.

“I am sorry to have disturbed your prayer Sister, that was not my intention.
By the Lords will I must remain hidden and so must befriend the shadows and
darkness. But the Lord is great for he has blinded you and given me a companion
this night. Come Sister, it is Fat Tuesday, Mardi Gras, a night to feast.
Tomorrow lent begins and we shall honour our Beloved by fasting. Come Sister I
shall arrange a feast for us if you will dine with me.”

“Enough Satan. I will not trust you. I will not break bread with you. Whatever
you conjour from the deapths of hell is not befitting this night nor any other.
Begone you filthy spreader of evil.”

“Pity! The Lord in his Grace gave you free will but still you follow like sheep
that which you have been taught by power mongers.”
There was a change in his voice. The sorrow was gone. In its place anger

“I however have learnt much from humans and for that may my Lord forgive me.”
A gust of wind passed Sophie before strong hands grasped her head and shoulder.
With a swift push her head was manipulated towards her left shoulder. She
shrieked in agony and fear.

“You will never see me as more then the lies that have been created.
If a Monster is what you want a Monster you shall get.”
The Dark Prince lifted his head to the heavens, “Father I am tired of loving you
from afar, for too long have I taken their abuse. Your Love Father is all I ever
wanted. I offer this act to You, My Lord. See Your child truly fall for Your
Love. In the name of the Father, the Son and The Holy Ghost Amen.”
A tear fell from the Dark Prince’s eye and fell onto the exposed neck of Sophie.
That was the last gentle caress she experienced before teeth ripped through her
flesh and her blood stained the habit and churh she held so dear.

As blood stained feet left the church the last of the revelers left the street
festivities. The feast was over repentance had begun.